Rediscovering the Light Within: A Journey of Dreams and Faith

Do you remember the last time that you dreamed about something that seemed beyond you? I'm not talking about the dreams dreamt while sleeping--rather, the kind of dream that is something that you know you would really have to reach and strive to attain. Those living dreams. You know, the kind that makes you hopeful, but also scares you a little bit. It had been a long time since I had done something like that--at least until I started Monkey Bar.

When I was a kid, my imagination was one of the biggest assets I had. In one day, I could be a waitress, a writer at a news company, a construction worker, and a princess--and that was all before lunchtime. I know that some things of childhood have to be put away as we move into adulthood, but I feel sometimes that the best parts of myself died somewhere along the way of making it into adulthood. Life can be really difficult, and since it doesn't come with an instruction manual, it has often felt a lot like I'm trying to make my way across a large, dark room, as fast as possible, with a lot of obstacles between me and the location I'm trying to get to-- and all this while a strobe light is going.

Let me try to better explain what I mean. Time is always marching forward, at a pace that seems to increase with each moment, therefore, creating a sense of urgency within my being. That is what the feeling of needing to get across the room as quickly as possible can be likened to. It's as though there is something on the other side of the room that I need to get to. "The future is calling, and I must go", seems to be the appeal in my spirit. However, my consciousness didn't recognize that urge, until I learned that concept at some point.

Something somewhere along the way triggered that urge to come alive within me. Perhaps it was at 2 years old when I climbed up into my grandpa's bed as he lay still and silent, death creeping closely in his final moments. I don't remember being told he was going to die, though I'm sure my parents must have somehow tried to explain or instruct me on the weight of the situation, otherwise it wouldn't be so vividly burned into my memory. I can still feel the heaviness of that moment. Becoming conscious of an ending of a life as we know it in this flesh--I didn't have the words to describe it at the time, but I could feel it. Maybe that is when the appeal to urgency began to appear, with moments like this one, being faced with the concept of an end of being as I knew it to be.

Of course, once the dawning of such a concept began, I feel I start to notice "the lights begin to flicker, on and off--strobing". What I mean by this, life seems to awaken you to darkness, but it also awakens you to light. The darkness comes in moments when you become awaren of sin--a missing of a mark. You become awakened to that darkness the same way I was awakened to death as a 2-year-old and then, later awakened to physical pain/trauma around that same time when a kid at preschool chased me around and bit me really hard on my arms, leaving his teeth marks imprinted in my flesh. I think that was the first time I was awakened to loneliness as well. When you are in a place that feels unsafe, it can feel really lonely. I could go on about the different awakenings to various dark experiences I have had in life, but I hope you get the point so I won't go any further.

The strobing happens because even as this darkness seems to take over in moments or periods of time as you're marching on through life, there are moments that are so bright. I remember when I first asked Jesus to come into my life. I was 7 years old. A boy at church had recently been baptized, and it had stirred something up inside of me. I started asking a lot of questions of my parents one night, and on the couch, in our family living room, I prayed with them that He would come into my life. He did. That was a moment of light. One that felt so clear, so crisp. I didn't fear running into any obstacle at that moment, because the light was on, with me, inside of me. I think the struggle just became not knowing how to keep it on, as life kept moving forward, events and people and all that they bring with them help to both switch off or on that light--thus, the strobing.

That just seems to be the best analogy I have to explain the way that life has sometimes felt. It just seems to come hard and fast and feel urgent and unrelenting at times--or at least it has.

I just got tired of feeling that way. Feeling like I was being forced across a room towards a destination unknown, through obstacles I couldn't always see. Bringing with it feelings of anxiousness, despair and at times, joy--though, seemingly less and less of that the further I got. So, I prayed. I prayed out of my desperation. I begged out of the deepest places of my being.

Nothing was immediate. I didn't suddenly have a beam of light come down and touch me and relieve me of the dark night of my soul. However, I kept looking for the answer to that prayer. Because I had prayed it out of the depths of my soul--the very heart of me. I knew that I had been heard. My faith told me so. So, watchfully and prayerfully, I remained waiting.

I began to examine all parts of my life. I began to ask myself, "When was the last time you felt peace?"--real, deep, ambient peace. The answer, childhood. In childhood, I could be hurt by another kid on the playground and two seconds later be right back to playing with that kid, forgiveness came so easily, abundantly. I could also dream the biggest dreams-- both while awake and sleeping. I remember one dream I had as a kid, while sleeping. I was on the ball field with all my classmates and all of a sudden gravity just let go of me, and I just started floating up into the air-- all of my classmates just sort of staring in wonder. It felt similar to the feeling you get in your stomach when you just hit the peak of the rise on a rollercoaster and the lift happens as you start coming out of your seat.

Once I realized childhood was the last time I felt that, I started trying to reconnect with that part of myself, with my inner child. I feel that part of me had slowly died or fallen asleep along the journey of life, as I was awakened to darkness. I fell asleep to those good, childlike qualities, the ones we shouldn't leave behind-- our unique blueprint, the one that is untouched by the dark ideas of the mind of man. (I do feel like each person has a particular set of skills and abilities that they are born with. Each bringing a type of healing medicine that the world needs-- a light.) Through life, we are warned, taught, cautioned, and exposed to concepts in life that directly contradict that unique blueprint-- that design that was originally untouched by darkness, innocense, as we have determined to call it. That is the identity of our soul, as written by God, while forming us into being. The plan of the eternal architect, designing us in our mother's womb.

Now, my prayer each day sounds a little more like, "Help me to have the courage to walk in the identity that you gave me, God. Let me no longer feel driven by the urgency time has awakened me to, but let me fully walk knowing that you have made me eternal. I want to walk in the way you would walk, Lord. In a way that speaks of the eternal. Not rushing through dark spaces, running into obstacles, feeling confused, lost, disoriented, and panicked. Taking my time, feeling what I feel and coming to know what is triggering those feelings, so I can better set up boundaries between myself and the things that alter me to be "other than" what you would have me to be. Being made more aware of myself, through the insight you give, so that I can better be come to recognize the state of those around me. And in all that, heal me, Lord, because I want to be able to dream again and hope again, and love as you love.

Monkey Bar is a dream--not the company, but what the company represents to me. That is an idea. The idea that there are other women that may also have just sort of lost themselves to a sort of darkness in the urgency of life, the panic created by "the strobing of light and darkness", as the fabric of what makes up life is woven. That through something as simple as inviting God's continual presence into our reality/conciousness/being, and then waiting expectantly, while being faithful to take care of our body--this fearfully and wonderfully made temple--will create change in one life at a time. That God can begin to administer light in the way that He does. To bring insight. That the Monkey Bar can be a catalyst for a positive change in women's lives.

I know it sounds absolutely wild, but God is wild. So, I'm going to dream wild dreams again and move forward in faith and hope, like I would have as a child, and I hope you do too.

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