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I used to feel that teaching my children discipline was my utmost duty. Of course I suffered embarrassment when I went out into public spaces and my child acted an absolute fool over a toy or piece of candy that I wouldn't allow them to have and it exhausted me absolutely to the point that when Walmart Grocery Pickup came onto the scene it felt like an answer to prayers.
Unfortunately, when I had children, I of course resorted to parenting in the only way I'd ever been shown. Child makes mistake or acts out emotionally, parent gets angry, parent administers discipline. I felt it was the only way I knew to teach. It was the resource that I had been given. The problem with this style of parenting is that it hadn't seemed to work on me. After all, isn't the point in disciplining children to help them to learn. To help them foster discipline with "self". Yet, here I was an adult, mother to first 1, 2, 3, and then 4 children and I still hadn't figured out the best way to go about parenting because I had never truly learned and cultivated discipline within myself.
With all of the "parenting" that had been done to me, I had not yet learned how to parent myself. I had not learned to be able to regulate my own emotions, to say no to myself when I needed to for my health's sake. I could binge watch shows until 12am knowing I had to be up with a child at 6 or 7 a.m. and then, live through the torture that created the next day. Of course the hormonal issues this created and the state of mind due to the lack of sleep was never the regulated state that would help to serve me and the others around me well. I was a mess. That mess was spilling out of me into my children. So, essentially I was compounding my mess into those around me.
The thing is, I look at the world we live in and all of the problems in it and I recognize that the majority of the problems I see are not because of our government or our health care system, or our education system. Each of these problems arise because the "individual" isn't rising up to discipline themselves and then it's only leaching out into the rest of the society. The same way I have seen my individual problems leach out into my children.
There is good news though. There is self recognition. There is self awareness. There is the ability to change oneself by taking small little baby steps toward bettering oneself where the need be for change.
Isaac Newton once said, "I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people." I think that the only person that can understand the actions of someone, is the one that is taking the action, and sadly, so much of the action taken by so many, isn't even understood by themselves. It's kind of what Paul describes in Romans 7, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." I had to learn to accept and acknowledge all parts of myself. The heart of my that wanted so badly to teach and to help guide my children into a successful way, and then, the part of me that was selfish, that wasn't disciplining myself in the areas that I needed to be disciplined with myself.
I had to recognize and acknowledge that there were those two sides. There was a wrong way to go about it, and there was a right way to go about it. For me, before, I was escaping life and my emotions by Netflix and chilling, and numbing myself to the way I was feeling about my life by drinking a few nightcaps. I was "checking out" when I felt stressed or bad the next day because of the responsibilities that came with parenting, with keeping up a home and being a wife. All the while, those things were just becoming a large collection of unresolved issues.
Thankfully, when I got to my lowest, I reached out to the Highest. With prayers like, "I'm asking Lord, I'm seeking, please open up to me, I need you if you are there", and "Hey God, Please speak to me louder than all the other voices". The fantastic thing is, He came. He showed up and He has been walking with me every step of this way and I am SO THANKFUL! There truly are not words to describe the gratefulness I have in my heart.
He showed me that instead of netflix and chilling, I could read self-help books. I could learn to recognize myself better because I have the words to be able to describe and understand myself, and aren't words what started the all. Words are what spoke all of this into motion, into being. In the beginning was the word. So what words have you been hearing in your mind about yourself, and more importantly, what words have you been believing? Because words have the power to bring life, or the power to bring death and that is a powerful force.
He also showed me that I could stop using alcohol to numb myself. It wasn't easy and the emotions as I have allowed myself to just feel them haven't all been delightful--especially at first. But, time has been healing. Time and consistency in the treatment of myself. I had to learn to love myself, the good and the bad, I had to learn to have grace with myself when I was doing well with whatever I was attempting to do and when I wasn't. I had to learn to communicate true regret when I apologized to my children over the wrong direction I had taken as a parent.
I also had to begin learning self-discipline. Starting with exercise. Then, with my eating. It's not been easy. I don't carry out either of those perfectly. Though, I have been able to stay consistent enough that I feel like my body feels new to me. It feels better. Almost like a new car when you get into it. How it seems like the best ride you have ever had because the suspension is well built and the way it handles a turn is much better than the 15 year old one you have been driving. I think you get the idea. And the clarity of mind is much nicer. I feel like even when I am dealing with an emotion like anger rising up, at least I'm not on the verge of hypertension because of it. I feel like I'm treating my body with better respect. I'm recognizing it as a gift given to me. Precious and sacred, not because of anything I have done. But, because I recognize who built it, and now I get to work alongside of my creator in caring for it. If that doesn't help instill confidence to know who ultimately goes with me on this journey of life, I don't know what would.
Marie Curie once said, "Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all have confidence in ourselves." How true? Life has never been easy, nor will it ever be. However, I can take the steps that I need to in order to truly love myself to the best of my ability through it. To love me the way God showed me love. I can sacrifice parts of myself, when it's not easy, I can show up for a workout. When it's not easy, I can choose a salad in the drive through instead of that burger. I can find the patience I need to breath through any emotional uprising as I wait to find the best solution to resolve whatever is causing the rise. I can endure humiliation in areas as I try something new and maybe don't do the best job at it. I can. You can. We all can.
Joshua 1:9 - "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
And so, He will.
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